Hi there,

It's me Danielle.  What can I say.  My last post was a year and a half ago.  so here's a long update

I'm single, minor stole jaimie after I cheated on her with amber.  I don't really regret it because regrets are something you wouldn't do again.  I would call it a mistake.  I don't see either of them and I'm okay with that....  So you all might be lost in what I'm about to say but this is for me to not forget things so i know what i'm talking about so here it is.  I had a job in march with hy-vee.  I was all for it.  Thought i was doing the best.  And I was actually trying.  But I failed in Sept. I got fired.  Then I tried to get my job back but it didn't work.  I yelled one to many times which in my eyes i got fired so i failed.  Now I work at meijer. I'm trying not to get my hopes up.  I'm trying to go back to school soon in chicago.  I guess my hearts not ready for it 1000% yet because Ive procrastinated and my stuff isn't done.  We'll see about meijers. I walked away instead of yelled today, but a flood of tears came with it.  Now I'm sad a lot but I don't have tears.  This time they flooded upward somehow...  So much on my mind.

Mike and aaron and scandals became extinct on may 31 2014.  On may 30th 2014 is when my life became in a way more complicated but in a way more simple.  It was the night that I declared was our last party night.  They were supposed to move and I was staying here for work but I was gonna see them but drinking would b obsolete. In March the 3 of us went to stl and I passed out drunk and we were all okay. they took care of me.  so I thought i could get away with one last night to party it up with them.  so i got to my limit and i told them no more. but they didn't listen.  they proceeded to somehow get me to drink more which really isn't that hard especially if it's my favorite and they don't give me time to think. it ended up with me passed out up stairs and they found a sharpie.  back in the day we would write all over me with sharpies when i was drunk. it was a fun time.  but i was awake.  this time i was asleep puking my guts out as they allowed ppl to write mean things on my body. (i hate saying my body bc it so girly)  they then participated in the act, left me there to puke and sleep while they went to station to party and then they came back and took me home.  the next day i was going to the race track and didn't have time to get the sharpie off;  so i wore clothes to cover it up.  frankenstein and I hadn't texted for a few months before may 31st we fb'd.  so his name popped up with a txt asking me what i did on may 30.  I said nothing.  He said "your last nights adventure are all over fb."  I acted innocent and said what are you talking about.  he then said i didn't deserve it and that i needed to report to authorities.  well I couldn't see anything on fb. so when i got home i did some investigating that night.  Not only were there posts but there were pictures and videos to go with it.  so at first my anger was towards the one who took the pictures... I found her and almost punched her in the face for telling everyone what happened.  i was ashamed I guess.  sometimes i'm ashamed to be me and this was a big one...  then a few days passed and mike and aaron were spreading my business on fb. everything about me.  and they said it was my fault ppl were going after them for what they did.  Well, I know it wasn't my fault for this particular incident, i was passed out, and I know i told them i didn't need anymore.  and they didn't listen.  I'm also not the one who let stuff be post about it on fb.  So that was done.  my thing was in 6 mos i'd go back and see them and make sure they were doing ok.  I went 3-4 wks ago to where mike's working to see what he had to say.  And it was AWKWARD.  he said it was my fault he said i fucked kayla, he said that it was my fault.  some of it was but i take responsibility for my part but he takes responsibility for nothing.  So with that I don't want to see him.

After everything happened m&k talked me into seeing a counselor.  It has helped a lot. we are not done by a long shot but I am getting better.  Some of the thing's I've learned are I'm still working on all of them theres always room for improvement:

theres a difference between excuses and reasons.

theres a difference between wants and needs.

and it's important to identify all of the above for what it is.


and It's important to set boundaries. and stick to them. that way i don't do anything i don't want to and when i say no and they don't listen then if a rape happens again they know where I stand 100%.

I have to trust myself.  this is a really hard one for me...

I have to stop engaging in bad behavior to get what i want.  I have to retrain my brain to get positive attention and that negative attention is danger.

the things i'm learning from the counselor are making some people in my life hard to manage.

There's ppl who won't stand up to other's when they start picking on me.

there's ppl who are two faced.

theres ppl who lie.

there's ppl who don't give me enough credit.

no sex, no nudity

and the sad thing is i have friends in every category of the above and those are my boundaries, that i have set, but i don't know how to enforce them with friends I already have and have had for a long time.

but somehow after everything, i feel like it's all my fault i feel this way.  It's my fault I have to hide, it's my fault I don't get to see the ppl i need to on a basis i can count on.  it's my fault that my life is so complicated it's my fault that all this has happened in 4 years.  It's my fault that i can't keep  a job.  it's my fault that i didn't have fun last night.

and on the other hand, it's easier to blame myself bc if i can't have fun bc of what mna did then i don't know how to fix that.  I can fix things if they are my fault. my flaw.  but i don't know how to fix something that i didn't break someone else did.  someone else taught me the way to have fun. and while i'm learning that that's not right, and that's not how you treat ppl and that;s not how i want to b treated, everytime i go out some one treats me like mna did and it gets overwhelming and i want to go home.  It could be so much as a stare or a touch or being mean or saying the wrong thing, or not respecting me enough to tell me you don't want me around in private vs every one knowing you don't want me around.  all of this is what's going on with me....  Hope someone reads this.  Have fun and here's to living.

Just a check in!  Alot has happened in a few months i guess.  I'm dating a girl named jamie, I know her from high school, she's 3 yrs younger than me, which that and her personality might be a problem.  I've been working at station house, if you keep up you will remember that's the bar I was barred from for a year and a half.  Pride was a few weeks ago, it was very exhausting.  The big news is Taylor Made is making his debut at station house tomorrow night, kind of scared.  I worked for the state for a short time, I got fired because I was trained wrong.  The boss told me so.  Figuring things out again, I have to make sure i'm healthy and that in itself is an adventure.

broke up

AMber and i broke up on the 15 of march.  I think it was right around one year.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I need to focus on me and keeping my life together, i'm doing better for now.  Just thought I'd write that, have fun.

So I guess it was Oct 17 2012 that I was diagnosed with pdd nos.  It's a type of autism, like aspergers.  From what I understand aspergers affect three or more areas of your life where as pdd nos affect 1 or 2. I haven't really accepted the fact yet, it's really hard to do that.  I'm 24 and got diagnosed when i was 23, it explains alot of things which kind of makes it worse.

Shary's been gone 4 mos now and our birthdays have passed.  It was a little hard but not as hard as I thought because she's still with me in spirit.  Her parents are making her a bench at washington park.  I seen them for our bdays, it was pretty nice.

And as for me and amber we got back together in october on our would be 2 mos anniversary.  Our anniversary of our first day is coming up in april? I hope thats right.  She lives 2 hrs away from me, and works alot.  So right now we only communicate by phone, maybe when she gets a laptop we will skype? never know.

I can't help but think how alike me and ami are turning out to be.  I've never been a copy cat, ive been the exact opposite actually, but the ways we are alike aren't really anything I can help.  She was autistic.

So as my life continues wether its an up or a down time I have this blog it's not just about being gay, or my past anymore it's my novel to my life.  The life of someone who is gay, kind of a boy, autistic, 24 year old trying to figure out life.

I'm changing the name of this and redesigning it now so this is my update.

So, in 3 days it will be a month since I talked to you and in 4 it will be a month since you passed on...  I miss you everyday, every time something happens that we would laugh about later, every time i do something stupid, your in my head...  We used to think about this and talk about what we would do when this occured, we thought it would be funny.  Well its not very funny, and I kinda dont care what we said we were going to do, b/c now it's just me.  I'm trying to think we lost you but you also lost all of us...  You passing was the best thing that could have happened to you I think, and that makes it harder to get over it.  New years eve is right around the corner, I wish christmas was still 3 or 4 months away b/c then I'd have more time to cope before our one night a year comes back...  I loved you alot, you were my sister remember?  I was hoping I would get closer with everyone else but I'm not sure that's gonna happen.  I wish it would though.  I know the 4 people who were here for me when you passed away and they mean the world to me...  I haven't ran in to any of 'our' friends yet and i'm okay with that.  I'm not ready to see them yet and be the bearer of bad news.

I love you and miss you very much, and heres to all the little shaninigans that your gonna have to watch from up there.

So 2010 was 2 and a half years ago, which means i've been out for 2 and a half years, april 28 2010 to be exact....  2 years at the bar in august, and so much has changed.  Yes i'm only 23 but I still have been through more than my share but i wouldn't have it any other way so here we go:

I broke up with my girlfriend, amber, on sept 18, my gma's birthday.  We had been talking for 6 mos and been together for one.  It wasn't working for me, feels like we got divorced and she got my kid, because a very good friend of mine, an ex, still seesamber all the time and barely sees me.  I got all girly and everything to turn amber on and went to see her and all she could say was that i didn't have to do that. The other day she thought she would hold a fist at me, that didn't last very long, but it's what i needed to let her go.  Which brings me to my next update

Taylor Made is becoming a bigger part of me.  I've only performed twice this year but taylor is around everyday.  I have a feeling sooner or later i'm gonna transition.  I'm still the little brother, but things are getting harder...  My drag family is awesome, and a friend tells me i have it easy people have already accepted me for being a boi.  The sad part is I haven't.  And hopefully soon i will.

I'm trying to live the healthies life possible...  Meaning no abusive situations, and no abusive or addictive things.  In the process my brothers have me confused...  Schwans man says everything is black and white, and while life is easier that way there's shades of gray in everything.  I'm not sure what to do...

I went to pride in chicago in june, it was a blast.  I'm trying to get situated to move up there, we will see how it goes.  I like to think about coming back to visit and seeing everyone.  that's my update for now, my life has started so heres to it rolling on!!

start of 2012

Hard to believe I've had this blog for 2 years on april 28th.  I quit my job, they started doing things all wrong, I had to go.  Things have happened this year that probably shouldn't have.  But I've learned who my true friends are and aren't.  It's march and i've had a full year already.  My birthday was a little bit of a blast.  For those who ever read this if you have read about shwan's man, he's not shwans man any more and he's still one of my best friends i've ever had.  I still talk to him everyday, and he tells me as it is.  It takes me a long time to trust someone but he has it fully.  If only other people could be as blunt as we are, there wouldn't be as many spectacles as there are.  My brothers are there for me and I'm finding out who my true brothers are.  I will forever be known as the little brother, and I like that.  For now, Here's to living life to the fullest!!!