Hi there,

It's me Danielle.  What can I say.  My last post was a year and a half ago.  so here's a long update

I'm single, minor stole jaimie after I cheated on her with amber.  I don't really regret it because regrets are something you wouldn't do again.  I would call it a mistake.  I don't see either of them and I'm okay with that....  So you all might be lost in what I'm about to say but this is for me to not forget things so i know what i'm talking about so here it is.  I had a job in march with hy-vee.  I was all for it.  Thought i was doing the best.  And I was actually trying.  But I failed in Sept. I got fired.  Then I tried to get my job back but it didn't work.  I yelled one to many times which in my eyes i got fired so i failed.  Now I work at meijer. I'm trying not to get my hopes up.  I'm trying to go back to school soon in chicago.  I guess my hearts not ready for it 1000% yet because Ive procrastinated and my stuff isn't done.  We'll see about meijers. I walked away instead of yelled today, but a flood of tears came with it.  Now I'm sad a lot but I don't have tears.  This time they flooded upward somehow...  So much on my mind.

Mike and aaron and scandals became extinct on may 31 2014.  On may 30th 2014 is when my life became in a way more complicated but in a way more simple.  It was the night that I declared was our last party night.  They were supposed to move and I was staying here for work but I was gonna see them but drinking would b obsolete. In March the 3 of us went to stl and I passed out drunk and we were all okay. they took care of me.  so I thought i could get away with one last night to party it up with them.  so i got to my limit and i told them no more. but they didn't listen.  they proceeded to somehow get me to drink more which really isn't that hard especially if it's my favorite and they don't give me time to think. it ended up with me passed out up stairs and they found a sharpie.  back in the day we would write all over me with sharpies when i was drunk. it was a fun time.  but i was awake.  this time i was asleep puking my guts out as they allowed ppl to write mean things on my body. (i hate saying my body bc it so girly)  they then participated in the act, left me there to puke and sleep while they went to station to party and then they came back and took me home.  the next day i was going to the race track and didn't have time to get the sharpie off;  so i wore clothes to cover it up.  frankenstein and I hadn't texted for a few months before may 31st we fb'd.  so his name popped up with a txt asking me what i did on may 30.  I said nothing.  He said "your last nights adventure are all over fb."  I acted innocent and said what are you talking about.  he then said i didn't deserve it and that i needed to report to authorities.  well I couldn't see anything on fb. so when i got home i did some investigating that night.  Not only were there posts but there were pictures and videos to go with it.  so at first my anger was towards the one who took the pictures... I found her and almost punched her in the face for telling everyone what happened.  i was ashamed I guess.  sometimes i'm ashamed to be me and this was a big one...  then a few days passed and mike and aaron were spreading my business on fb. everything about me.  and they said it was my fault ppl were going after them for what they did.  Well, I know it wasn't my fault for this particular incident, i was passed out, and I know i told them i didn't need anymore.  and they didn't listen.  I'm also not the one who let stuff be post about it on fb.  So that was done.  my thing was in 6 mos i'd go back and see them and make sure they were doing ok.  I went 3-4 wks ago to where mike's working to see what he had to say.  And it was AWKWARD.  he said it was my fault he said i fucked kayla, he said that it was my fault.  some of it was but i take responsibility for my part but he takes responsibility for nothing.  So with that I don't want to see him.

After everything happened m&k talked me into seeing a counselor.  It has helped a lot. we are not done by a long shot but I am getting better.  Some of the thing's I've learned are I'm still working on all of them theres always room for improvement:

theres a difference between excuses and reasons.

theres a difference between wants and needs.

and it's important to identify all of the above for what it is.


and It's important to set boundaries. and stick to them. that way i don't do anything i don't want to and when i say no and they don't listen then if a rape happens again they know where I stand 100%.

I have to trust myself.  this is a really hard one for me...

I have to stop engaging in bad behavior to get what i want.  I have to retrain my brain to get positive attention and that negative attention is danger.

the things i'm learning from the counselor are making some people in my life hard to manage.

There's ppl who won't stand up to other's when they start picking on me.

there's ppl who are two faced.

theres ppl who lie.

there's ppl who don't give me enough credit.

no sex, no nudity

and the sad thing is i have friends in every category of the above and those are my boundaries, that i have set, but i don't know how to enforce them with friends I already have and have had for a long time.

but somehow after everything, i feel like it's all my fault i feel this way.  It's my fault I have to hide, it's my fault I don't get to see the ppl i need to on a basis i can count on.  it's my fault that my life is so complicated it's my fault that all this has happened in 4 years.  It's my fault that i can't keep  a job.  it's my fault that i didn't have fun last night.

and on the other hand, it's easier to blame myself bc if i can't have fun bc of what mna did then i don't know how to fix that.  I can fix things if they are my fault. my flaw.  but i don't know how to fix something that i didn't break someone else did.  someone else taught me the way to have fun. and while i'm learning that that's not right, and that's not how you treat ppl and that;s not how i want to b treated, everytime i go out some one treats me like mna did and it gets overwhelming and i want to go home.  It could be so much as a stare or a touch or being mean or saying the wrong thing, or not respecting me enough to tell me you don't want me around in private vs every one knowing you don't want me around.  all of this is what's going on with me....  Hope someone reads this.  Have fun and here's to living.

Just a check in!  Alot has happened in a few months i guess.  I'm dating a girl named jamie, I know her from high school, she's 3 yrs younger than me, which that and her personality might be a problem.  I've been working at station house, if you keep up you will remember that's the bar I was barred from for a year and a half.  Pride was a few weeks ago, it was very exhausting.  The big news is Taylor Made is making his debut at station house tomorrow night, kind of scared.  I worked for the state for a short time, I got fired because I was trained wrong.  The boss told me so.  Figuring things out again, I have to make sure i'm healthy and that in itself is an adventure.

broke up

AMber and i broke up on the 15 of march.  I think it was right around one year.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I need to focus on me and keeping my life together, i'm doing better for now.  Just thought I'd write that, have fun.

So I guess it was Oct 17 2012 that I was diagnosed with pdd nos.  It's a type of autism, like aspergers.  From what I understand aspergers affect three or more areas of your life where as pdd nos affect 1 or 2. I haven't really accepted the fact yet, it's really hard to do that.  I'm 24 and got diagnosed when i was 23, it explains alot of things which kind of makes it worse.

Shary's been gone 4 mos now and our birthdays have passed.  It was a little hard but not as hard as I thought because she's still with me in spirit.  Her parents are making her a bench at washington park.  I seen them for our bdays, it was pretty nice.

And as for me and amber we got back together in october on our would be 2 mos anniversary.  Our anniversary of our first day is coming up in april? I hope thats right.  She lives 2 hrs away from me, and works alot.  So right now we only communicate by phone, maybe when she gets a laptop we will skype? never know.

I can't help but think how alike me and ami are turning out to be.  I've never been a copy cat, ive been the exact opposite actually, but the ways we are alike aren't really anything I can help.  She was autistic.

So as my life continues wether its an up or a down time I have this blog it's not just about being gay, or my past anymore it's my novel to my life.  The life of someone who is gay, kind of a boy, autistic, 24 year old trying to figure out life.

I'm changing the name of this and redesigning it now so this is my update.

So, in 3 days it will be a month since I talked to you and in 4 it will be a month since you passed on...  I miss you everyday, every time something happens that we would laugh about later, every time i do something stupid, your in my head...  We used to think about this and talk about what we would do when this occured, we thought it would be funny.  Well its not very funny, and I kinda dont care what we said we were going to do, b/c now it's just me.  I'm trying to think we lost you but you also lost all of us...  You passing was the best thing that could have happened to you I think, and that makes it harder to get over it.  New years eve is right around the corner, I wish christmas was still 3 or 4 months away b/c then I'd have more time to cope before our one night a year comes back...  I loved you alot, you were my sister remember?  I was hoping I would get closer with everyone else but I'm not sure that's gonna happen.  I wish it would though.  I know the 4 people who were here for me when you passed away and they mean the world to me...  I haven't ran in to any of 'our' friends yet and i'm okay with that.  I'm not ready to see them yet and be the bearer of bad news.

I love you and miss you very much, and heres to all the little shaninigans that your gonna have to watch from up there.

So 2010 was 2 and a half years ago, which means i've been out for 2 and a half years, april 28 2010 to be exact....  2 years at the bar in august, and so much has changed.  Yes i'm only 23 but I still have been through more than my share but i wouldn't have it any other way so here we go:

I broke up with my girlfriend, amber, on sept 18, my gma's birthday.  We had been talking for 6 mos and been together for one.  It wasn't working for me, feels like we got divorced and she got my kid, because a very good friend of mine, an ex, still seesamber all the time and barely sees me.  I got all girly and everything to turn amber on and went to see her and all she could say was that i didn't have to do that. The other day she thought she would hold a fist at me, that didn't last very long, but it's what i needed to let her go.  Which brings me to my next update

Taylor Made is becoming a bigger part of me.  I've only performed twice this year but taylor is around everyday.  I have a feeling sooner or later i'm gonna transition.  I'm still the little brother, but things are getting harder...  My drag family is awesome, and a friend tells me i have it easy people have already accepted me for being a boi.  The sad part is I haven't.  And hopefully soon i will.

I'm trying to live the healthies life possible...  Meaning no abusive situations, and no abusive or addictive things.  In the process my brothers have me confused...  Schwans man says everything is black and white, and while life is easier that way there's shades of gray in everything.  I'm not sure what to do...

I went to pride in chicago in june, it was a blast.  I'm trying to get situated to move up there, we will see how it goes.  I like to think about coming back to visit and seeing everyone.  that's my update for now, my life has started so heres to it rolling on!!

start of 2012

Hard to believe I've had this blog for 2 years on april 28th.  I quit my job, they started doing things all wrong, I had to go.  Things have happened this year that probably shouldn't have.  But I've learned who my true friends are and aren't.  It's march and i've had a full year already.  My birthday was a little bit of a blast.  For those who ever read this if you have read about shwan's man, he's not shwans man any more and he's still one of my best friends i've ever had.  I still talk to him everyday, and he tells me as it is.  It takes me a long time to trust someone but he has it fully.  If only other people could be as blunt as we are, there wouldn't be as many spectacles as there are.  My brothers are there for me and I'm finding out who my true brothers are.  I will forever be known as the little brother, and I like that.  For now, Here's to living life to the fullest!!!

12/13/11

Well another girl has came and gone.  She was pretty cool and pretty.  She had an awesome personality, but she wasn't mature enough for me.  She got me in alot of trouble, but unfortunately for circumstances, I think if the situation had been different, we would have just had a huge fight and still be together.  I miss her everyday.  I still see her when I'm at one specific place.  But I can't talk to her, and she can talk to me.  That has to be the most difficult part of this break-off there is.

A friend once said, if you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours.

IDK if she will come back later down the road, but if we are both still like this minus her lying, i hope she does.

ONce I publish this, it's included in the past, not the present, nor the future.  I miss her like crazy, I wish I could yell at her and it could go back to the way it was.  Right now, that's not a good idea and It can't happen, so I have to make do with pretending to be happy.  This says it all:

It's easy going out on Friday night
Easy every time I see her out
I can smile, live it up
The way a single guy does
But what she, what she don't know
Is how hard it is to make it look so
Easy

I have to pretend this is true.  And hopefully eventually it will be or she will come back.  I wish I knew how she felt

Nov, 18th 2011

LIfe is going better.  Getting on my feet, and getting over the past.  I barely talk to my mom and see my dad about once or twice a week.  I work at a portrait studio that i'm about to quit due to circumstance, and I work at the gay bar in town.  Some things I've realized and want to remember are below:

1.  Right now all i want to have is a retail position.  that way i can save money and eventually move.  Also, that way i'm not alone all day like i am in my photographer position.

2.  I want to move east when the time is right.  Massachusettes seems like a good choice, or tennessee.  When I move is when my degree will come into play.  I want to find a job as a magazine editor/photographer/page layout designer.

3.  I don't know what I am, but to me and my friends I'm a tranny who likes trannies.  It works for us!!  I'm a gay boy who like female minded people.

This is the first time i've had goals.  I wanted to write them down so I can come back and read them later.  We'll see how much i've accomplished on my next entry.

Cheers to life

Forever

Haven't been on here forever and a day it seems.  I couldn't even remember my URL.  :(  Had to google myself.  Since october (that was a loooong time ago)  I've graduated with my associates in graphic design, and have gotten into the gay lifestyle as much as possible.  I'm a drag king, and am friends with most of the queens.  I've been doing it since february, so i'm getting better.  As for the past, I'm waiting to get a tattoo of a qoute about forgetting the past, and not letting it hinder me anymore.  I got mickey mouse on my arm in december, but it needs fixed.  Looking for a job right now, it's horrible.  This comes from out of the blue if you don't know me, but I can actually keep my sanity in this town now for as long as need be.  I'll get out as soon as i can, but right now, I've developed a life that is going to be hard to leave.  Especially one of my gay bois.  Well, I don't really know what else to say, so here's to my life!!

update!!

So here's an update:

1)  Coming out week at UIS was a blast.  Monday, I realized your never really done coming out.  Wed, we watched Transamerica and I realized how bad i hurt ami.  Friday, was a dragshow, and realized that those are quite fun.  Decievia man Is quite attractive.

2)  I think I'm attracted to MTF's actually.  I haven't realized if this is good or bad yet, but the trans thing is very interesting.

3)  Dating is actually turning out to be interesting.  It's not alot of work especially since I'm usually busy doing other things now.

4)  I started up my GSA at school.  I'm president and we passed out beads on the 20th for the suicide awareness.  Our first big event is this friday and we are watching rent.

5)  I met my first lez couple yesterday.  And I just wish I could hangout with them for a week and see how they go about life...

6)  I found out some guys think when you get drunk your lesbian side goes away.

That's all that's affected me for now...  Till next time
LIVE YOUR LIFE

hi

I've been holding on to this for a few days now.  This is the first time my mom's fam acknowledged I was gay.  

we were on the topic of marriage and that i was next on the list out of my moms' friends kids to get married

and my aunt said you have to have a boy to do that

and i said i can get married in iowa

and then they said

it's not acknowledged here and we aren't acknowledging it either

my aunt said all the above

but my mom didn't say anything

A much needed update

I don't know if anyone reads this b/c i haven't gotten anyone asking where I've been.  But I'm going to tell you what i've been up to anyway.  Lets see:

I switched classes.  Switched from a photography class to a math class.

Trying to balance a social life with my school life is turning out to be quite difficult.

I guess the true reason I haven't written is b/c This blog was for my coming out story.  And I have came out and am okay with it now.  I no longer think 'I wonder how many other gay people are here'.  Now it's more of 'I wonder who else didn't do their homework'.  When I first started coming out people told other people by just mentioning certain things. I didn't know how i was ever going to do that.  Now I do, if something comes up and reminds me of ami, or if i get a text from people who I am talking to while I'm around someone who doesn't know, I'll mention it.  Everyone I've told actually is okay with it.

So leaving things on a good note, I think this is a good-bye for now.  I'll try and check in once a month or so.  But I may start a new blog and next month I'll link it.

Thanks for listening and when I tell my coming story I'll link people to this blog.

hi

So my senior year started today.  I told everyone about ami and what happened.  I'm in search of a long-term gf. Someone nice, considerate, open-minded, and lots of other things.  I think i'm over Ami, it's fun to annoy her and her gf though.

This is it for now, I'll try and write at the end of the week

broke-up, cheating, and LDR

So, I was dating Ami for about 2 weeks.  We broke up on Wednesday Aug. 10.  I was looking on the dating site we met on last night, and it said she had a fiance, so I called her and we talked.  I found out she basically cheated on me the whole time.  Cheating encompasses many things so I'll tell you what she did.  While she was dating me her heart was with some one else.  Now to me that's emotionally cheating because your not fully in the relationship, and you want a relationship with someone else.

I'm very hurt, mad, pissed, sad.  The fair started last night and as always I'm going with my fam today to the fair all day.  And i'm going to forget about her, at least for the day.  I love the fair, She's not going to ruin my first day of my favorite time of year in this town.  I am hopefully moving to st. louis next year so this is quite possibly the last fair i will attend while living here. :(  

Therefore, I'm not going to let her ruin it.  My fam will b here in half an hour or less and when they get here I will forget all about Ami at least for today

hi

Hello world I haven't been on for a while so i thought i'd give u an update.  Right now i'm really tired so this probably won't win an a an a english class.  My senior year starts in 2 weeks.  And I'm not sure if i'm ready for it or not.  There's so much that comes into play next summer that i don't even want to start to manage my life.  anyway, I'm still with Ami but i'm not sure for how much longer.  I talked to her tonight and she really didn't seem to happy to talk to me, so.  We will see what happens.  The fair start this thursday (a week from today).  and then the day after that ends school starts.  this is what ive been up to talk to you soon.

Ami

Well, my whole summer is complete now.  I've got everything done with 3 weeks to spare  :).  The girl in my last post is name is ami and she is my gf as of yesterday.  We planning on me moving in with her when i graduate next year.  She lives about 8 hrs away though.  I said i wanted to move so i guess it's then or never right??  anyway..  We are moving out of TN when she finishes school, and that will b in like 6 yrs or so.  Now let me tell you that's a long time and i've never thought that far into the future...  Hopefully we will b married by then and have some kids.   Funny thing, I never seen me as the marrying type but my life's changing so i better catch up.  But she's awesome and I love her to pieces even though we have never met and only been talking since thursday...

So...

Idk what to say,  I wish there was a way to just lay all ur cards on the table and b like can u deal with this and be happy.   I was happy but i guess i still am i am just wearing off the high of a gf.  We are still talking and hopefully going to be in a relationship soon, but i think i can deal now.  The high of talking to her all the time is wearing off, and if i don't talk to her all the time maybe she'll have stuff to say to.

May i mention we just had our first disagreement i guess you can call it.  I'll get over it and hopefully we will talk tonight.  Sunday will b the day to c if this is going to work b/c all of her company will b gone then

hi

I think i'm falling love...  But i'm going about it totally the wrong way.  All I want to do is talk to her constantly, I'm worried i'm smothering her.  She said she likes the attention but idk.  She lives 8hrs away and the worst thing is we just met today.  I never have felt this way b4, I usually like to annoy people but i'm trying so hard not to b annoying i don't think i know how not to be annoying.  If falling for someone includes the following:

Can't stop thinking about them
Don't really care what you talk about
Get worried that you did something wrong when u don't talk to them for a few hours

Then i'm falling and i'm falling fast.  She's really cute, we like the same things, and she actually seems like she cares about me...

I think her caring about me is where she gets me.  As we all know i've been abused and you know how nice it is to finally talk to someone who cares about you and might b falling for you too??  It feels really good.  But i'm scared i'm going to scare her away and loose her.

hi

so..  My house got broken into again.  Half the people distracted me in the front yard while the others broke the back door.  But they heard me yelling to get out and they left.  There's so much to say but i don't really know where to start.  That was big it happened on monday night.  Just dealing with stuff like usual.  I keep climbing these mountains and enjoying the flat parts.  check out my youtube there is much more about me on there:  youtube.com/mssmiley89.