So, in 3 days it will be a month since I talked to you and in 4 it will be a month since you passed on...  I miss you everyday, every time something happens that we would laugh about later, every time i do something stupid, your in my head...  We used to think about this and talk about what we would do when this occured, we thought it would be funny.  Well its not very funny, and I kinda dont care what we said we were going to do, b/c now it's just me.  I'm trying to think we lost you but you also lost all of us...  You passing was the best thing that could have happened to you I think, and that makes it harder to get over it.  New years eve is right around the corner, I wish christmas was still 3 or 4 months away b/c then I'd have more time to cope before our one night a year comes back...  I loved you alot, you were my sister remember?  I was hoping I would get closer with everyone else but I'm not sure that's gonna happen.  I wish it would though.  I know the 4 people who were here for me when you passed away and they mean the world to me...  I haven't ran in to any of 'our' friends yet and i'm okay with that.  I'm not ready to see them yet and be the bearer of bad news.

I love you and miss you very much, and heres to all the little shaninigans that your gonna have to watch from up there.

So 2010 was 2 and a half years ago, which means i've been out for 2 and a half years, april 28 2010 to be exact....  2 years at the bar in august, and so much has changed.  Yes i'm only 23 but I still have been through more than my share but i wouldn't have it any other way so here we go:

I broke up with my girlfriend, amber, on sept 18, my gma's birthday.  We had been talking for 6 mos and been together for one.  It wasn't working for me, feels like we got divorced and she got my kid, because a very good friend of mine, an ex, still seesamber all the time and barely sees me.  I got all girly and everything to turn amber on and went to see her and all she could say was that i didn't have to do that. The other day she thought she would hold a fist at me, that didn't last very long, but it's what i needed to let her go.  Which brings me to my next update

Taylor Made is becoming a bigger part of me.  I've only performed twice this year but taylor is around everyday.  I have a feeling sooner or later i'm gonna transition.  I'm still the little brother, but things are getting harder...  My drag family is awesome, and a friend tells me i have it easy people have already accepted me for being a boi.  The sad part is I haven't.  And hopefully soon i will.

I'm trying to live the healthies life possible...  Meaning no abusive situations, and no abusive or addictive things.  In the process my brothers have me confused...  Schwans man says everything is black and white, and while life is easier that way there's shades of gray in everything.  I'm not sure what to do...

I went to pride in chicago in june, it was a blast.  I'm trying to get situated to move up there, we will see how it goes.  I like to think about coming back to visit and seeing everyone.  that's my update for now, my life has started so heres to it rolling on!!

start of 2012

Hard to believe I've had this blog for 2 years on april 28th.  I quit my job, they started doing things all wrong, I had to go.  Things have happened this year that probably shouldn't have.  But I've learned who my true friends are and aren't.  It's march and i've had a full year already.  My birthday was a little bit of a blast.  For those who ever read this if you have read about shwan's man, he's not shwans man any more and he's still one of my best friends i've ever had.  I still talk to him everyday, and he tells me as it is.  It takes me a long time to trust someone but he has it fully.  If only other people could be as blunt as we are, there wouldn't be as many spectacles as there are.  My brothers are there for me and I'm finding out who my true brothers are.  I will forever be known as the little brother, and I like that.  For now, Here's to living life to the fullest!!!

12/13/11

Well another girl has came and gone.  She was pretty cool and pretty.  She had an awesome personality, but she wasn't mature enough for me.  She got me in alot of trouble, but unfortunately for circumstances, I think if the situation had been different, we would have just had a huge fight and still be together.  I miss her everyday.  I still see her when I'm at one specific place.  But I can't talk to her, and she can talk to me.  That has to be the most difficult part of this break-off there is.

A friend once said, if you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours.

IDK if she will come back later down the road, but if we are both still like this minus her lying, i hope she does.

ONce I publish this, it's included in the past, not the present, nor the future.  I miss her like crazy, I wish I could yell at her and it could go back to the way it was.  Right now, that's not a good idea and It can't happen, so I have to make do with pretending to be happy.  This says it all:

It's easy going out on Friday night
Easy every time I see her out
I can smile, live it up
The way a single guy does
But what she, what she don't know
Is how hard it is to make it look so
Easy

I have to pretend this is true.  And hopefully eventually it will be or she will come back.  I wish I knew how she felt

Nov, 18th 2011

LIfe is going better.  Getting on my feet, and getting over the past.  I barely talk to my mom and see my dad about once or twice a week.  I work at a portrait studio that i'm about to quit due to circumstance, and I work at the gay bar in town.  Some things I've realized and want to remember are below:

1.  Right now all i want to have is a retail position.  that way i can save money and eventually move.  Also, that way i'm not alone all day like i am in my photographer position.

2.  I want to move east when the time is right.  Massachusettes seems like a good choice, or tennessee.  When I move is when my degree will come into play.  I want to find a job as a magazine editor/photographer/page layout designer.

3.  I don't know what I am, but to me and my friends I'm a tranny who likes trannies.  It works for us!!  I'm a gay boy who like female minded people.

This is the first time i've had goals.  I wanted to write them down so I can come back and read them later.  We'll see how much i've accomplished on my next entry.

Cheers to life

Forever

Haven't been on here forever and a day it seems.  I couldn't even remember my URL.  :(  Had to google myself.  Since october (that was a loooong time ago)  I've graduated with my associates in graphic design, and have gotten into the gay lifestyle as much as possible.  I'm a drag king, and am friends with most of the queens.  I've been doing it since february, so i'm getting better.  As for the past, I'm waiting to get a tattoo of a qoute about forgetting the past, and not letting it hinder me anymore.  I got mickey mouse on my arm in december, but it needs fixed.  Looking for a job right now, it's horrible.  This comes from out of the blue if you don't know me, but I can actually keep my sanity in this town now for as long as need be.  I'll get out as soon as i can, but right now, I've developed a life that is going to be hard to leave.  Especially one of my gay bois.  Well, I don't really know what else to say, so here's to my life!!

update!!

So here's an update:

1)  Coming out week at UIS was a blast.  Monday, I realized your never really done coming out.  Wed, we watched Transamerica and I realized how bad i hurt ami.  Friday, was a dragshow, and realized that those are quite fun.  Decievia man Is quite attractive.

2)  I think I'm attracted to MTF's actually.  I haven't realized if this is good or bad yet, but the trans thing is very interesting.

3)  Dating is actually turning out to be interesting.  It's not alot of work especially since I'm usually busy doing other things now.

4)  I started up my GSA at school.  I'm president and we passed out beads on the 20th for the suicide awareness.  Our first big event is this friday and we are watching rent.

5)  I met my first lez couple yesterday.  And I just wish I could hangout with them for a week and see how they go about life...

6)  I found out some guys think when you get drunk your lesbian side goes away.

That's all that's affected me for now...  Till next time
LIVE YOUR LIFE