Hi there,

It's me Danielle.  What can I say.  My last post was a year and a half ago.  so here's a long update

I'm single, minor stole jaimie after I cheated on her with amber.  I don't really regret it because regrets are something you wouldn't do again.  I would call it a mistake.  I don't see either of them and I'm okay with that....  So you all might be lost in what I'm about to say but this is for me to not forget things so i know what i'm talking about so here it is.  I had a job in march with hy-vee.  I was all for it.  Thought i was doing the best.  And I was actually trying.  But I failed in Sept. I got fired.  Then I tried to get my job back but it didn't work.  I yelled one to many times which in my eyes i got fired so i failed.  Now I work at meijer. I'm trying not to get my hopes up.  I'm trying to go back to school soon in chicago.  I guess my hearts not ready for it 1000% yet because Ive procrastinated and my stuff isn't done.  We'll see about meijers. I walked away instead of yelled today, but a flood of tears came with it.  Now I'm sad a lot but I don't have tears.  This time they flooded upward somehow...  So much on my mind.

Mike and aaron and scandals became extinct on may 31 2014.  On may 30th 2014 is when my life became in a way more complicated but in a way more simple.  It was the night that I declared was our last party night.  They were supposed to move and I was staying here for work but I was gonna see them but drinking would b obsolete. In March the 3 of us went to stl and I passed out drunk and we were all okay. they took care of me.  so I thought i could get away with one last night to party it up with them.  so i got to my limit and i told them no more. but they didn't listen.  they proceeded to somehow get me to drink more which really isn't that hard especially if it's my favorite and they don't give me time to think. it ended up with me passed out up stairs and they found a sharpie.  back in the day we would write all over me with sharpies when i was drunk. it was a fun time.  but i was awake.  this time i was asleep puking my guts out as they allowed ppl to write mean things on my body. (i hate saying my body bc it so girly)  they then participated in the act, left me there to puke and sleep while they went to station to party and then they came back and took me home.  the next day i was going to the race track and didn't have time to get the sharpie off;  so i wore clothes to cover it up.  frankenstein and I hadn't texted for a few months before may 31st we fb'd.  so his name popped up with a txt asking me what i did on may 30.  I said nothing.  He said "your last nights adventure are all over fb."  I acted innocent and said what are you talking about.  he then said i didn't deserve it and that i needed to report to authorities.  well I couldn't see anything on fb. so when i got home i did some investigating that night.  Not only were there posts but there were pictures and videos to go with it.  so at first my anger was towards the one who took the pictures... I found her and almost punched her in the face for telling everyone what happened.  i was ashamed I guess.  sometimes i'm ashamed to be me and this was a big one...  then a few days passed and mike and aaron were spreading my business on fb. everything about me.  and they said it was my fault ppl were going after them for what they did.  Well, I know it wasn't my fault for this particular incident, i was passed out, and I know i told them i didn't need anymore.  and they didn't listen.  I'm also not the one who let stuff be post about it on fb.  So that was done.  my thing was in 6 mos i'd go back and see them and make sure they were doing ok.  I went 3-4 wks ago to where mike's working to see what he had to say.  And it was AWKWARD.  he said it was my fault he said i fucked kayla, he said that it was my fault.  some of it was but i take responsibility for my part but he takes responsibility for nothing.  So with that I don't want to see him.

After everything happened m&k talked me into seeing a counselor.  It has helped a lot. we are not done by a long shot but I am getting better.  Some of the thing's I've learned are I'm still working on all of them theres always room for improvement:

theres a difference between excuses and reasons.

theres a difference between wants and needs.

and it's important to identify all of the above for what it is.


and It's important to set boundaries. and stick to them. that way i don't do anything i don't want to and when i say no and they don't listen then if a rape happens again they know where I stand 100%.

I have to trust myself.  this is a really hard one for me...

I have to stop engaging in bad behavior to get what i want.  I have to retrain my brain to get positive attention and that negative attention is danger.

the things i'm learning from the counselor are making some people in my life hard to manage.

There's ppl who won't stand up to other's when they start picking on me.

there's ppl who are two faced.

theres ppl who lie.

there's ppl who don't give me enough credit.

no sex, no nudity

and the sad thing is i have friends in every category of the above and those are my boundaries, that i have set, but i don't know how to enforce them with friends I already have and have had for a long time.

but somehow after everything, i feel like it's all my fault i feel this way.  It's my fault I have to hide, it's my fault I don't get to see the ppl i need to on a basis i can count on.  it's my fault that my life is so complicated it's my fault that all this has happened in 4 years.  It's my fault that i can't keep  a job.  it's my fault that i didn't have fun last night.

and on the other hand, it's easier to blame myself bc if i can't have fun bc of what mna did then i don't know how to fix that.  I can fix things if they are my fault. my flaw.  but i don't know how to fix something that i didn't break someone else did.  someone else taught me the way to have fun. and while i'm learning that that's not right, and that's not how you treat ppl and that;s not how i want to b treated, everytime i go out some one treats me like mna did and it gets overwhelming and i want to go home.  It could be so much as a stare or a touch or being mean or saying the wrong thing, or not respecting me enough to tell me you don't want me around in private vs every one knowing you don't want me around.  all of this is what's going on with me....  Hope someone reads this.  Have fun and here's to living.