okay

So me and Jen are just a little more than friends not really gf's.  But that may b exactly what i need right now so it all works.  I have been talking to a few people recently and they are all very nice.  i'm gaining experience thru Jen so hopefully in a month i will no longer be inexperienced.

so GF

I have a girlfriend...  Her name is Jen and she is 24...  She lives about an hour away but she's so cute...  She's everything i want.  She is cute, and wants to help me learn more about sex, and she comforts me....  BTW:  She turns me on when she comforts me...

I only wish that i wasn't so scared, or nervous.  I think to much in that is where problems lie.  She's trying to teach me some things but i ran and hid.  I feel so bad..  but at the same time i don't think i would have done it differently. She is willing to show me things i'm ready to do but I am scared....

She is a cutie...  She is coming here in august if not b4.  i can't wait to meet her in person...  hopefully it last.

Blue

sry

Sorry i haven't been on lately, I've been busy all week trying to get things done for pride.  But turns out the people i was supposed to go to pride with bailed out, so i can't go.  :(  I'm not very happy about it.  I had so much planned to get done that day.  To me, my first pride is going to be another step in coming out (maybe the last step)  so that's y i am so upset about it.  idk what to do...  I really wanted to go but i don't think that's going to happen... The worst thing is that i'm supposed to go back to school with pics and stories from pride.  Now that won't happen.  So for now,

The trains rolling but going over some bumps in the tracks

Dads fam

So, my dad and his family officially know that i'm gay...  They aren't happy but they just have to get used to it.  They say they still love me..  They thru some things at me like:

The bible says Adam and Eve for a reason

my answer:  There are better gay parents than some straight ones, also when i'm ready for a kid i'll go fuck a dude and get one.

they said that I'm confused since i've never technically been with a guy.  which I don't know how to respond.

My dad i think went and cried but that's to b expected in my opinion.  It was weird how the convo went b/c we went from talking about me being gay, to my mom abondoning me, to how i had to get used to the things they do.

So all in all i think it went pretty well...

The trains a rolling

stuff

I have a lot to say but I don't really know where to start.  My feelings are a jumbled mess and i'm trying to figure them out.  I have started a youtube channel that i update: www.youtube.com/mssmiley89  hopefully that will get you there.  I will try and write more later this week.  Pride is in 9 days.  I'll b back later this week.

The trains rolling now trying to figure out what track it's going to take...

Cop story

People in situation:

Amanda- girl I was talking to

Hilda- Lady Amanda babysits for and I go to school with

I was at Hildas house yesterday and Amanda came over.  We were sitting on the couch writing notes on a dry erase board.   Amanda writes that she wants a drink and I said for safety reasons you can come drink at my house but you have to stay the night.  Hilda eventually comes and sits across from me and stares at me.  I ask her what’s up and she’s like what r u guys writing about.  We eventually get to what we said and she calls Amanda’s mom and Amanda didn’t come here.

So today, Amanda was watching hilda’s kids so I called over there.  Called every now and then to talk to Amanda.  Then Hilda gets home and calls me.  It goes like this:

Her:  whats up

Me:  nm whats up with u??

Her:  nothing I want to know why u are flirting with a 17 yr old.  You want me to call the cops??

Then she hangs up.

10 min later I get a restricted call and it’s the cops.  And they pretty much tell me that I had been called in on sexual harassment. 

Looking back on yesterday:

I remember telling Amanda that I wanted to sit on her lap, and sleep on her shoulder.   But isn’t that just flirting???

A few days:

She said it was her friend who called the cops….

The sad thing is I still think she’s cute….

School:

So i dropped the summer class a few weeks ago.  It really wasn't worth the time or effort or money to take it.  It was on-line so i logged into it the first day and the work we were supposed to do was for no grade so i said fuck it.  Which was probably a good thing.  I don't really need school right now.  This is actually my first summer off since the summer b4 my senior year of h.s.  So i think i was due for a break anyway right?

Fall doesn't start till the end of august so yeah on that but i need a job which i haven't found yet.  Make some extra money, get some more tats, and new clothes and sort out my life and get some experience.  That sounds like a good summer to me.  This will b the last summer for me as a "kid"  meaning that next summer i will b out of school and looking for a career.  Actually i think about that and it doesn't sound that different from what i do now.

My career WAS school.  Next year i will just have to find a different career i guess.

The train's rolling lets see where it goes...

Dear Mom,

I wish i could tell u this or give u this so if somehow u have found this blog please leave me a comment telling me so:

I'm loosing my mind.  Everything I have done in the past week is wrong.  In ur opinion being gay is prob wrong to.  But because your not here I have to get attention somewhere else.  So my option that i chose is getting into trouble.  I wish i knew another way to get attention but i know no otherway.  And the trouble i've gained was fun but i wish i could get out of it.  But somehow i know i'm not going to stop getting in trouble until i get the attention i deserve.  People say you have abandoned me, usually i try to defend you to them but look at me now, mom.  You know nothing about my life, or who i like.  You don't know what i like to do for fun, or what problems i face.  Now, most people would love the life i got, but not me.  If it were to change right away, i'd b upset b/c you have taught me how to deal with this life.  I still crave some attention...

You don't even let me come to your house, or ask me why i want to come to your house.  If i don't talk to u one day u have my lil brother call me.  Maybe u should call me.  U don't need to wait for me to call you.  Better yet, maybe u should talk to me in person for one whole day.  I'd give a day with you for anything.  one whole day where it's just me and you and no one else to bother neither of us.

You have known nothing for a long time.  And hopefully that will change.  I thought getting along with your husband would change all of this but it didn't.  People say maybe he wasn't the problem maybe your the problem.  How i wish i could tell you about what amanda did.  or about what i did.  Or even ask your advice about amanda or about life.  But your not here.  You are an hour away with your own life probably not thinking of me.

There's so much you don't know that it's not funny.

Love, Danielle

cops

Here is a rule that I hope I never forget:

Never mess with minors if you are over 21.

B/c especially if their parents may not b okay with them being queer, then they will get involved, and nothing good can come out of the situation.  I hope i never break this rule again...  But somehow i know i will....

I wish I knew if she still liked me, and i wish i knew who called the cops...

If you are reading this please comment and tell me b/c i am not having no more interaction with you.  It is for my safety and saneness...  when you are 18 give me a shout...  till then hope you have a good life....

Let's get this party started!!!


OH yeah  pride is in 2 weeks...  anyone going to st. LOUIS???

night out

So I am supposed to be going out tonight...  This is going to be a very shallow post but here it goes:

This will be my first time going out as a lez and not having to pretend that i like guys.  Typing that i think is very little kidish but it's how i feel.  I don't know many gays so idk what i'm supposed to wear to the club.  So since i'm more butch personality anyway i'm just going in t-shirt and jeans.  so we will see what happens.

Dyed my hair again it's really red...  I like it and some say it looks good but my aunt comes by on the most awkward nights and she seen it and didn't like it.  I'm trying to get girls so they need to know that im gay right???  

Here's to my life rolling!!

hey

it's me.  Once again nothing really up here.  Trying to figure things out and have my last fun summer while i can.  The pride festival is at the end of this month I'm hoping to go.  IDK which one to go to though, St. Louis or Chicago???   Hopefully when school starts in August i will have a GF and be out to my family???  Summer class starts monday and i am going out to school to c people and have to go to orientation for class...  I have my own youtube channel now:  www.youtube.com/user/mssmiley89

Talk to you later!!!

My life has started so lets get the train rolling...

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